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101. i feel like dying. other than the fact that i saw jenna today (got a lamp too... jenna always comes with extra perks.... but jennas the best), and that i got some cd stuff, today was a fucking waste. i can not fucking sit here and let myself feel like this. im not going to come in second anymore. whats wrong with 2nd place? fuck second place. no matter what, im never going to be anything but some little car he plays with. i dont get why the fuck i get like this. well no. i dont get why the fuck i let him do this to me. i've done everything he's ever asked for (trust me i literally have pretty much) and i still come in second place. i should go out and find someone else, but when i have someone else, he's all im thinking about. i cant help the fact that im fucking obsessed. im just like that. and i cant handle myself. i cried for probably 30 minutes tonight. "never cry over a guy, a guy worth crying for wont make you cry" i guess hes not worth it because he makes me cry. i cant fucking believe how fucking pitiful i am. i should have known that i'd always be second place when i lost my karate tourny to some little yellow belt 1st degree by one half of a point. what the fuck, i couldnt beat that girl then, what makes me think i could beat anyone now? god what the fuck is my problem. im a fucking moron. i might as well be shot for being so fucking stupid. i've got jenna. if it werent for jenna i'd die half the time. my life is horrible when shes mad at me. i gotta be nicer to her. jen, i love ya chicadee. im fucking adorable. why dont i just find someone who treats me how i should be? because ill be thinking about terry the whole fucking time. im always thinking about terry. yeah everyone im in love with terry just so you know. who the hell am i talking to? no one reads this shit. if they do, idk why, because its all about fucking terry. or jenna. i guess thats a reason to read. so yeah, i finally understand why ms. bell gave me a B on my journal last year. it was so repetative. it was all about nick. when i fall, i fall hard. i cant stop crying. i cant breathe. i keep shaking. im like convulsing. i cant feel me. i cant feel whats here. what the fuck does his bike have that i dont? what do other girls do that i dont? im so fucking tired of being 2nd. i want to get over him, i want to so badly. im just being a drama queen. i dont get why im like this. i always want what ill never really have. everyone else has gone out with him. he wont even admit to kissing me. i dont know what is so wrong with me. am i really that fucking bad? i cant be that bad. i mean honestly. why is it so easy for all these guys to treat me like shit. i have to deal with this shit. well while im off feeling sorry for myself, send me some suggestions. love me, allison |